If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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