I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
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My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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