i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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