I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
