I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
