he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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