meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
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Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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