he told me I talked like a deaf person
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
