I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
