At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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