For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
