the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
