He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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