My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My vagina is officially offended.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
