My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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