The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
