The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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