Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
