fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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