the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
