My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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