apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
