those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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