You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize