how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
