You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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