Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
