I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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