I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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