Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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