I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
