if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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