She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and she was petting her beer can
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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