Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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