Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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