I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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