mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
