i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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