those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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