no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
