I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can't turn off my feet"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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