It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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