It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
