I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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