im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
