Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
