you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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