pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
