The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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