There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
