I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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