i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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