I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
