I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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