I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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