My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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