pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
